Quiet thoughts

Today was the public announcement of something I have known for a while yet suspected for longer. Pat Williams has cancer. Those of you who know me are aware that I was married to Pat Williams for 24 years and together we have 4 biological children and 14 foreign-born adopted children.

My step-daughter called today wondering how I was doing with the news. She is very sensitive to the feelings of others and not only tells me, but shows me how much she cares about me. I'm not sure how to answer her query for several different reasons. First of all, Pat is one of the strongest persons I know. He has always eaten very healthfully, he's taken extremely good care of his body, is always upbeat and positive and if anyone can beat this thing, he can. Secondly, we both believe in the power of God to heal and are relying on His grace.

Almost 14 1/2 years ago, we went through a very public divorce. The press portrayed it as amicable. Privately, it's been anything but. Neither one of us is 100% perfect or right, but at the same time, neither one of us is totally evil or wrong. Children sometimes feel they must choose sides, maybe in order to not hurt one or the other parent. Moms and dads should always assure the children that the other parent loves them very much...will always love them...and as their parent, still deserves their first loyalty along with continued love and respect. Many times I heard my present husband Terry explaining on the phone to his daughters, "your mom is a good person who loves you very much. We made a mistake". That's as good as any way to explain it, and today, they are lovely young women who have a great relationship with both of their parents as well as both of their step-parents. We have spent a lot of time with their mom and her husband, have laughed and cried with each other, sat together at weddings, jointly moved the girls into new apartments or houses, taken care of Winch grandchildren and prayed together. That in no way says we are all perfect models of divorcees; we can all only point to God as the great grace-giver and healer of all situations.

So maybe my profound sadness is not only for Pat in his illness, but also for nearly 15 years of poorly representing our Lord to our children. For whatever reasons, some of my children have chosen to alienate themselves from me without ever giving me the opportunity to ask for their forgiveness during and after the divorce. Several others have been asked repeatedly and have chosen not to forgive, to the point that out of 6 Williams grandchildren, I've only known one of them at all, and that's from the first week he was born. When my son Peter called me to say Austin had arrived and would I like to come out to California for a visit...you can bet this grammy was on the plane as soon as she could find a ticket. I will never forget the extreme joy of being able to sleep on the sofa with Austin on my stomach, close to my heart, thereby allowing his mom and dad a little rest. I even got to help give Austin his first bath, and a couple months after that, when Terry and I were on a ministry trip to California, we "kidnapped" him for the day. Now when we go to Orlando, where they've since moved, we're able to see Austin...what a fine little boy his mommy and daddy are teaching him to become!

The one thing I have asked many times is that both my former husband and I would model grace and forgiveness to each other and thereby pass on the legacy to our children. Grace is not grace if we choose those to whom we will give it. If we say we've learned about grace but then withhold it from anyone, we haven't learned a thing. God gives it freely and lavishly to everyone who asks. Hey, wait a minute! We don't even have to ask for it...He just continually offers it. Every time I say or read the prayer of our Lord in Matt. 6:9-15, I am reminded anew that unless I forgive the injustices of others toward me, I cannot be forgiven by my Father. Forgiveness is a condition for answered prayer. In other places in scripture, I'm told if I have something against someone else, I need not come to God in prayer unless I've first gone to that person and settled things with them by either asking for forgiveness or forgiving them. I once heard someone say that forgiveness is a process. I'm not sure that's the case. If we want to do it the way Jesus tells us to, we'll forgive immediately, completely and forever. Now, I'm sure that doesn't mean we will automatically forget what was done to us, because that's impossible on our own. But what it means to me is that every time I remember or think about the things others have done to hurt, slander or insult me, I need to also reflect on my sins against God and others, and the fact that He holds nothing against me. The Bible says He casts our sins as far as the east is from the west and remembers them no more. God has a selective memory, and that's one thing I guess I need to work on as well. Just as I exercise my body, I need to exercise my mind to choose not to remember the failures of others.

My heartbreak never goes away...maybe it's not as acute or piercing because it's gone on for 15 years, but it's every bit as real and continues to ache on a daily basis. Because I awaken every morning to the new mercies of God, there's also renewed hope that I'll hear from one of my kids. I'm praying fervently for God to heal Pat Williams' body. I'm praying just as fervently for God to use this time to soften many hearts and heal relationships with my children. Maybe you could join in that prayer with me.